I Hugged Myself

For the last six months, I was not being myself. I spent the days with zero motivation and courage to do any single task of my routine, but I had to do so I did with a heavy heart. There was not a prominent reason for my sadness; it was just for no reason. I think I created some reasons in my head so that I can be sad without knowing.

Yes, you read it right.

But you know what; our body and mind sometimes make it possible for us to be sad even if we got everything we wish for. It helps us to think and introspect ourselves. Being sad was like a journey for me. At first, I felt it’s just a usual sadness and will fade away after some days but it stayed longer. Random anxiety and panic attacks were hitting me like period cramps. Glimpsing at fan twice a day was my routine like brushing my teeth, just because I knew it’s the easiest way of suicide by hanging. Spending all day in my room and feeling unworthy was my diet.

I deleted all my social media apps because I wanted to disappear. In the modern world, we cannot disappear for real so we disappear from social media.

I doubted myself, my opinions, my thoughts, my skills, my abilities, and my whole existence. I was not clear in anything but I know I was having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t want to die but didn’t want to live as well.

You need the courage to end your life and also to live your life. But I had no courage and motivation. But no one can live like this for so long. Either one will end their life or live a new one. But one day I called myself for help and said please do something.

I replied: what I can do?

I said: Can we fix this?

I replied: We can as long as we want.

I said: I want it yes I want it. I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I was aware of my situation at that time. I needed love, a hug but I can’t find anyone trustworthy with whom I can share. So I hugged myself. I embraced myself with all my flaws and scars. It’s just a mind shift sometimes which you need to make things easier. The courage to accept that no one cares.

I was staring at the mirror and I concentrated on my breath. I never felt so alive before, watching myself living and breathing made me realize I am so blessed that I sobbed. Hugging myself was overwhelming that I made it my habit.

A short note to me and all of you; because we are the same: I know you don’t feel like it but trust me just wait and take some time. You are a diamond I know it and you’ll make it!